Some feedback is care. Some is control. Knowing the difference matters.
There’s feedback that helps you grow, and there’s feedback that feels like a punch wrapped in a polite smile. I’ve had both. We all have. It’s not always about the words being used, it’s about the energy behind them. You can feel it when someone is speaking from care, or when they’re speaking from control. And honestly, it makes all the difference.
I’ve noticed how certain comments stick with me for hours, sometimes days. Not because they were necessarily cruel or aggressive, but because they landed right where it hurts. And then I started noticing the pattern. It wasn’t just about what was said, but how it was said and who was saying it. Whether it came from someone I trust, or someone who needed to feel bigger than me in that moment.
When Honesty Isn’t Honest
People love to say things like, “I’m just being honest.” As if that gives them permission to unload whatever they want without thinking about the impact. But honesty without kindness isn’t helpful. It’s often just someone trying to look like they’re helping, when really, they’re trying to feel powerful.
You can tell when someone’s trying to connect and when they’re trying to control. Helpful feedback comes with presence, with the intention to support. Harmful feedback usually shows up as a surprise, at the wrong time, without context. It’s not about what you did, it’s about how uncomfortable they feel with it. That’s not your burden.
Where This All Starts
I think a lot of this starts with how we were raised. If you grew up being corrected with shame or silence, then any kind of feedback might still feel like rejection. You hear “we need to talk,” and your nervous system treats it like a threat. It doesn’t matter that you’re an adult now those reactions are automatic. You hear a tone, see a certain look, and you’re right back in a place where love felt conditional.
We’re wired to survive those early environments. But we’re not meant to stay stuck in them. And that’s the thing sometimes the person in front of you isn’t attacking you at all. But the part of you that remembers the hurt doesn’t know the difference.
How We Give Feedback Matters Too
It’s not just about how we receive feedback. I’ve had to catch myself giving the kind of feedback I wouldn’t want to receive. Not because I meant harm, but because I didn’t slow down. I didn’t take a breath. I said something out of irritation, frustration, or even care but it didn’t land like that.
So now, I ask myself, what’s my intention here? Am I offering this because it might help? Or am I trying to ease my own discomfort by pushing it onto someone else? That small pause can change everything.
Feedback as Connection, Not Correction
At its best, feedback is a way of saying, “I see you, and I care enough to be honest.” It doesn’t need to be soft, but it should be human. It should come with presence. Not as a performance, not as an emotional weapon, but as an invitation to understand each other better.
If someone says something that hurts, it’s okay to take a moment. You don’t owe anyone a perfect reaction. And if you’re the one giving feedback, remember you’re holding something delicate. You don’t know what kind of history that person carries when it comes to being corrected.
Words matter. But so does tone. So does timing. So does intention.
And the truth is, people don’t always remember what we said. They remember how we made them feel when we said it.