Breaking Down the Barriers We Build Around Love and Vulnerability
We often build walls around ourselves, particularly when it comes to love and emotional vulnerability. Whether consciously or not, most of us create defenses to avoid pain and disappointment. However, these protective mechanisms—though they may feel comforting—can have a deeper cost, preventing us from experiencing life to the fullest.
Why Do We Defend Ourselves?
Many people develop these emotional defenses after facing significant hurt or rejection in their lives. Whether it’s from a failed relationship, the betrayal of a close friend, or childhood experiences, the impulse to protect oneself is natural. We all seek comfort and safety, and the idea of avoiding emotional pain can feel like self-preservation.
However, this kind of defense becomes problematic when it extends into all aspects of our lives, particularly in relationships. You might feel like you’re protecting yourself from pain, but in reality, you may be shutting out positive experiences too. Living defensively is like living behind glass—everything is observed, but nothing is truly felt.
Living a Half-Life
When we suppress negative emotions, we’re not just shutting out the bad feelings; we’re cutting ourselves off from joy as well. You can’t selectively numb emotions. You might think you’re avoiding sadness or disappointment, but in doing so, you also block out love, connection, and excitement. Imagine sitting at a dinner table filled with delicious food but only allowing yourself to taste a fraction of it—this is what it feels like when you suppress emotions.
This way of living, while seemingly safer, is actually a half-life. You’re not fully participating in the highs and lows of existence. When you’re always on guard, you miss out on moments that could have been beautiful. The fear of experiencing pain becomes so overwhelming that it stifles your ability to experience joy.
The Fear of Being Hurt
Why does love, a feeling so often associated with joy and connection, also bring about fear? It’s because love makes us vulnerable. It exposes us to the possibility of loss, disappointment, or betrayal. The deeper the connection, the greater the potential for hurt, which is why so many people avoid letting others in completely.
The more we care about someone, the more we open ourselves up to being hurt. That fear can make us cautious, or worse, it can make us close off completely. However, avoiding vulnerability doesn’t save us from pain. It often leads to loneliness, and ironically, we end up feeling the very thing we were trying to avoid—disconnected and unloved.
Defenses Aren’t Just About Relationships
This tendency to build emotional walls isn’t limited to romantic relationships. It applies to friendships, family ties, and even professional interactions. You might find yourself avoiding certain conversations or withholding your thoughts to keep the peace, afraid that being honest might create conflict or distance.
But this fear-based approach only limits you. By protecting yourself, you miss the opportunity for genuine connection. Whether in love, work, or friendships, you risk alienating those around you. And the truth is, we all want to feel seen and understood, but that can only happen when we’re open to the possibility of being hurt.
Breaking Down Your Defenses
So, how do you begin to dismantle these walls? Start by being honest with yourself. Recognize that your defenses aren’t serving you anymore. Maybe they helped you survive at one point, but now they’re keeping you from thriving. Therapy is an excellent tool for exploring these defense mechanisms, offering you a safe space to understand why you built them in the first place.
You don’t have to tear down all your walls at once. Start small. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in little ways—share a feeling, express a need, or allow someone else to see a part of you that you usually keep hidden. Over time, you’ll start to see that the risk of vulnerability is worth the reward of deeper connection.
Trusting Yourself
One of the most significant challenges in letting down your guard is trusting that you’ll be okay, no matter what happens. We often fear that if we let someone in, they’ll hurt us, and we won’t be able to recover. But part of emotional growth is learning to trust that even if someone disappoints or betrays us, we have the strength to heal.
When you trust in your ability to recover from pain, you no longer have to live in fear. You can embrace relationships with openness, knowing that while hurt is always a possibility, it doesn’t have to define you. Life will have its ups and downs, but the richness of experience is in allowing yourself to feel it all.
Living Fully
It’s easy to live with one foot out the door, always prepared to retreat the moment things get difficult. But this mindset keeps you from experiencing the depth of love, joy, and even grief. It’s only when we fully engage with life, with all its messiness and uncertainty, that we begin to live completely.
In love and relationships, we often think that playing it safe will protect us from heartbreak. But in reality, playing it safe is what causes us to miss out on life’s most beautiful moments. You may avoid pain, but you also avoid joy, connection, and love.
Takeaway: Vulnerability Leads to Growth
In conclusion, protecting yourself from emotional pain may feel safe, but it limits your capacity to experience life fully. Being vulnerable means allowing yourself to feel deeply, to be seen for who you are, and to connect with others on a meaningful level. Yes, it can be scary, and yes, you might get hurt. But through vulnerability, you also open yourself up to love, connection, and growth. And in the end, isn’t that what life is all about?
P.S: I got the inspiration to write this post after meeting Elizabeth Zott in the pages of the book Lessons in Chemistry